How to Raise a Pet Raccoon
By Anna Tatelman
- Don’t adopt a wild raccoon. Even if your neighbor’s Rottweiler murders raccoon’s mother and siblings. Even if raccoon keens all night until you swaddle him up like the baby you never had.
- After failing step one, research. Ignore memory of ex-husband Derrick laughing, “Is a furry garbage can supposed to be some kind of baby-substitute?” Focus on encouraging messages from the raccoon owners you follow on Instagram.
- Bottle-feed several times daily. Don’t let raccoon overeat because it can cause serious health complications. You, on the other hand, should feel free to eat as many peanut butter cookies as you want now that Derrick can’t lecture you about developing cottage cheese thighs.